I felt a heavy pressure on my eyes as I made efforts to open them. It seemed that I had been in a long sleep, as if it has been days that I had been sleeping without knowing if the time had stopped, or if the world had moved ages forward.
Slowly I gathered some energy to open my eyes. As I could regain my senses, I realized I had been under the impact of anaesthesia. The last that I could remember were the white walls of the labour room, the few nurses around and the unbearable pain that I had been in. I had been screaming as hard as I could. I still felt that mix of emotions I had before I was moved to the operation theatre. One instant I was furious at myself for my desire to bear a child and go through this painful cycle, and on other instant the wait of holding my little baby kept giving me the courage to go on. I remember my husband Aditya, standing close by while he kept holding my hand to show his love and support. The look on his face made me feel he was going through the pain along with me. Maybe that’s how love is. You live together, you cry and laugh together. It was a big day for both of us. We had been eagerly waiting for our little sunshine to come to this world and fill our lives with giggles.
I managed to open my eyes a little now. It looked like a hospital room. There were white sheets around, and a single bed was on my left side along with two chairs placed close to it for any guests. There was a familiar smell around which I had expected to wake up to. There was no one around from my family. I could see a little cradle near the bed, but it was empty. I did get anxious, but I did not have any energy to look around. They might be with the doctors for the usual baby check-up post the delivery.
While I lay there waiting, I started thinking about the little one, the dreams I have had about this day. Finally, the big day is here. He would be brought into the room anytime now. I have played this scene in my head so many times in last few weeks. I could imagine Aditya carrying our bundle of joy in his arms and bringing to me. I could feel the tears of joy rolling down my cheeks at that moment. ‘Am I actually so emotional, or the hormones are playing up?’, I thought.
I was waiting for my baby to hold my little finger, to feel his touch, his warmth around my skin. The life that I have felt inside me since the last nine months, has now been sent to the world. I had spent days and night dreaming about the life I would create for my child, and how at every step I would celebrate his little growth milestones. While I would be around to ensure I make him learn and stand in his life, I would also be there for his every fall.
Tiny Hands and tiny little toes,
It’s all I dreamt when the day was coming close.
I will do this, and I will give you that,
Love always, won’t ever let you be sad
Lying on this bed, my last few months just flashed down in front of my eyes. I could see the little room that both me and Aditya had decorated, the cute little clothes, toys, all necessities each of which we had handpicked to ensure we could bring the best for our little lifeline. ‘We will call her Khushi, if it’s a girl, and Jashan if it’s a boy’, Aditya one day finalized after we had spent hours on internet to find a name. We wanted to do our best as parents and had been looking forward to this new journey.
I started hearing some footsteps approaching towards me. My heart started racing. Finally, it is time to hold the most precious treasure of my life. I could hardly control my emotions. I could see my mother and Aditya entering the room. They looked surprise seeing me awake. Both came and sat close to me on my bed.
I eagerly asked, ‘Is it a boy or a girl, and how is the baby. I just hope he is healthy. When will they bring him in?’. I said all in one breath. In my heart I was feeling so helpless that I could not get up and rush to see him. I also felt jealous that by now everyone would have seen him, and I had to wait so much due to the anaesthesia. I looked towards Aditya. I was sure he would read my eyes, my restlessness and would do all to get me a glimpse of my little one.
Did I see tears in his eyes? I am sure he also is unable to control emotions today, after all, he is a proud father now. I held his hand and asked him to tell me everything about our little one, as each passing second is getting heavy for me. I was away from someone who had been part of me all these months.
‘Our Khushi is no more Divya. They could not save the baby’
He said and broke down into tears. My mother who had been trying to control herself till now, started crying with her hands covering her face and her head still shaking constantly to refuse accepting the truth. This all seemed like a bad dream. I just kept hoping this is all impact of anaesthesia or maybe I am hallucinating after the operation. I just hoped all of this will go away as soon as I will actually open my eyes.
‘This cannot be true’, I shouted. ‘God cannot be so harsh on a little life; he cannot do this to us. Please say it is not true, there surely has been some problem in operation theatre, maybe it wasn’t our baby whom they are talking about.’
They both seemed to ignore my screams. Or maybe they were too lost in coming to terms with the pain they were feeling. We all had built our world around the one who was supposed to arrive today in this world and fill it with so much love and happiness. Just few hours ago I could feel his little heartbeats within me, and now they say my baby is no more.
Every dream seemed shattered. My whole world came crashing down. I could not take my eyes off the little cradle beside my bed. The tears seemed endless. The pain was far more severe than the labour pain in the morning. It seemed to tear my heart apart. My little angel was gone. I was supposed to protect her from every sadness in life, but she left me even before I could hold her in my arms. I felt completely broken. How I had longed to see that beautiful face of my child, and now I dreaded seeing her.
Till this date I had not known that goodbyes could be so hard!!
We returned home the next day. As I stepped in, I could see the balloons all around. The wall seemed to be smiling with words ‘WELCOME’ on it. Aditya had decorated the home few days back to celebrate the start of this new chapter of our lives. He had planned every little detail to make this day, this moment very special. I was supposed to bring home our bundle of joy, to bring our happiness to our small world. The arms that were longing to hold the little life felt so heavy without it. Who knew fate had such different plans for us.
It has been weeks that our little angel left us for heaven. Each day, each moment that passes feel like ages. Life feels like a burden to carry on. Every night I still dream of those little hands holding my fingers. I still feel that rush of love, to hug her and hide her within me, so that no danger could touch. Every time I just wake up to find my empty hands, the empty bed and the emptiness this loss has created in our lives. We have each other but it seems the happiness has left our lives. The tears seem to be a constant companion. Whatever effort we put in to hide them from each other, we fail at it each day. We know we both cry for hours at night.
I keep thinking of you every minute of my life now. I talk with you, play with you, laugh with you and then just realise the void you left can never be filled. I just now count my days to when I will be able to meet you in heaven. Far from all the sorrows and pain, I just hope you are being taken care of by angels above.
My Dear Khushi,
I am sure you would be happy in the home of Lord. You are an angel and God called you to fill heavens with your love. We lost you that day but seems we could not lose the mother and the father you already made us. There is not a single moment that we do not miss you or think about you.
I am waiting to meet you one day. Till then I am just a soul of mother who is trapped in this body. I am sorry I am not with you to make sure you every need is taken care of. I am sure I will be with you my child soon someday.
Days still pass, but each moment bring memories of you,
Why of everything, parting from you had to come true.
Loads of Love,
Mom
Shaveta M
Guidelines for the competition : https://www.fanatixxpublication.com/write-o-mania-2023
