Dearest Santa Claus,
You know, when I was little, I always thought you were a clause. I loved English and grammar at school and wondered what made you a clause. As in, what were you a subject of? BTW please bear with me before I make my request for this year and tell you how bad or good, I have been. However, you don’t need to be told. You are antaryami (as they say in India), the one who knows your soul, all-knowing, omniscient. I feel you can deal with the little girl in me, who always loves to ramble before getting to the point. Because that is the point. Get it?! LOL Okay, so where was I?
Yes, the Clause. So, I looked it up then like I did just now again. See what I found – A clause is a group of words that contain a subject (the noun or pronoun about which something is being said, usually the doer of the action) and a verb (a doing word). An example of a clause is: The fast, red squirrel darted up a tree. The subject of this clause is the fast, red squirrel and the verb is 'darted'.
Ah-ha, that’s when I realised that you, Santa Clause is the whole subject here. The verb is what you do for this world. But then I thought, wait a minute, what if you were Cause and not Clause. They put in the “l” by mistake because let's face it, you are Santa with a Cause and you “cause” so much to happen. Ahem, I guess I have your attention enough and I hope you don’t mind me buttering you up a bit. You see I am 49 and going fast towards being 50 years old. I have never really written you a letter or to anyone. And now I am writing to you because, I, dearly, most whole-heartedly want something very badly and desperately. (Again, I have had major issues trying to ask for anything.) I know you can already see that my eyes are full of tears from that last sentence, and I can’t see what I am typing.
So here goes – since you an see my whole life, it will save me buckets of tears to try and give you my back story. Would it suffice to confess that I have been as good a mother, friend and human I could be this last year? Though not a very good daughter or sister, I would like to have been this past year. You also know all the reasons why. This condition that I suffer from, which the doctors refuse to give a name to. And for which I am thankful too because you know me, id obsess over it and that’s not good for me, right?! Well, I guess I am writing this letter all wrong, as I have done with my life. First, I butter you, then I get sorry for myself… Still hear me out, please. Because I no longer judge myself and I will not edit this letter. I will let it come out just as it is at this moment.
You know that - as soon as I saw this post that I could write you a letter. It was perfectly 00:00 then and something took me over and I began to write to you. That’s the whole problem – all my life people have kept telling me that I am too honest, that I do everything with too much heart in it, that I live in some other era or I should have. To be honest I never thought about it as a problem. Well, not for too long. You know me, I could have dwelled on it for a lifetime but then you sent so many other challenges and kept my armour filled with chinks.
The fact is, I always got such amazing gifts from life, from the people I came across, from you of course and the angles that hover over me. Such amazing gifts! Truly big beautiful gifts. For example – when you sent me a friend in 2015. Over the past 6 years, I have doubted how she too will betray me one day, and guess what, she did so many times only to walk with me in the true understanding of how I can be my own true friend. Isn’t that amazing?! (Oh, yes, we are still friends and growing thick. Amen) And how about in 2017 when you sent me that mind-blowing gift of money. 1500$ a month for 18 months just to be my self. Let me write that again – money of that sum is huge in a country where I live, for a single mother, with multiple health limitations, with no child support (notice, how I never refer to them as “problems” 😉) TO BE MY OWN TRUE MERRY SELF?! Do you know what that did for me? It helped me live out a strong voice/identity inside me. I could put out a few of my plays and the actor, writer, director in me got space to express itself. And THEN SHE WAS DONE. Just like that - one identity inside me amongst so many was fulfilled. Also, I created performing art and community centre from that money and conducted all programs on a “Pay as you like” basis. So that I could experience what it would feel like to live in a non-transactional world. It was amazing, magical, real, life-altering. It cured me of many of my health limitations.
So, thank you Santa and tribe, you are awesome.
And sorry it took me 48 years to write a letter to you and put it in black-n-white that your magic still prevails and it works every single day. Oh, wait – one more. Thank you for getting me to divorce and taking full ownership of my son when he was 1.5 years old. Thank you for making me sign that I want NO child support. Also, sorry I cried and cursed you a bit at that time. But within 3 years I began to see OMG what a huge gift that was. You remembered when I had forgotten that I am a die-hard adventurous spirit and would do very well in the freedom that single-motherhood would bring me. And I did too. See, that’s when I found “unschooling” and “self-learning” and a tribe of beautiful people who live by following their hearts. And that’s when I learnt that I don’t have to live in fear anymore. And above all, that’s when I could begin to learn to give my beautiful child, my true living angel, a life of true freedom and joy. I have hardly ever seen my son cry; other than the times I make him. Lol. For not doing the house chores on time. Lol again. I have seen him laugh every single day, dream even when he is 13 and smile in his sleep all these years and learnt from him what it means to simply live and be restful and joyful and chill out. Actually, I am still learning to truly chill, or else I would not be writing to you with yet another request.
Santaji, before I make that request even though I have not entirely been that good a girl this year. You know I haven’t yet filed my taxes and I have loans I cannot yet payback. I want to say just one more thing that there are hundreds and millions out there who carry their wishes in their hearts and I know you know all their wishes and certainly must be packing rare and precious gifts for them as you did for me every single year. I just want to say thank you on all our behalf, from the bottom of our hearts. There is an angle always listening. And you employ them so well. And finally, here is my simple, earnest, diligent, sincere request for me and myself only. Again, you know how tough it is to ask for one’s own self. However, you also know that that is what you taught me via your other earthly angels, that “In order to understand the needs of other one does not need to give up on one’s own needs.” (Ref Marshall Rosenberg - NVC) Thank you for that too.
Thank you for stranding me with my 10 yo outside my country, in the UK of all places, for nearly 5 months. Thank you so much. Because when I truly lost, country, home, money, family and also my son was abducted by his father for 3 days, that when the drama that was somatically being played out inside me, got the stage and costume and characters to play it outside and was done with me. Well, I cried every single day of the 5 months, quietly, inside because by now I knew your magic was at working and I’d best simply cooperate with it. And boy, oh boy it worked like a charm that it was.
I returned home and, in a few months, began to feel like a whole new person. My life changed. I began to feel real as did all the people in my life. That mad running rat in me was eaten up by the cat you sent, for good. And here finally is my Wish – Dear Santa Clause, Please grant me the ability to continue to meet life on its own terms and cooperate with your magic more and more effortlessly.
I believe, and you know my heart’s true desire, that I’d be able to best do this if you could please, kindly and sincerely stop me from moving homes. In my 49 years, I have moved homes 35 times. And I AM EXHAUSTED. One more move is going to kill me and I swear I will haunt you to sing all my unsung songs and read you all my unpublished poetry. You know why I ask for this dear Santastic Clausenigma – So that I can have the space, the love, the support and the place where I can tell all these stories that I have lived and experienced and am so full of. The stories that magic does exist. That wishes do get fulfilled and that one needs to do something to encourage them to happen every single day. As I do. And you know. That’s all. P.S – the other secret desires and wishes that I carry, alongside this one – you may please do what you wish with them. They, like me, are all at your disposal.
always and forever, DP
Written by: Deepali Parmar
Instagram handle: @love.mo